How do I feel now… Well I just came out of a relationship that lasted 5 years and I feel unusual. I made the mistake of creating a physical embodiment to my happiness, which was the love of my life. Now she’s gone, I cannot feel happiness anymore. I cannot feel joy or excitement. I go down town and sit with my best friends there whom I’ve known for years. We’re a gang of over 25 guys. I sit among them empty and lonely.
My day is very unbalanced and unhealthy now. I work 9 hour shifts 5 days a week working in an office on my laptop. Then when I finally get home, I start my gaming session which usually lasts 5-6 more hours. (That’s a total of 14-15 hours in front of a screen) I don’t know if this is scientifically proven, but personally I’m sure that amount of hours like these in front of a screen definitely cause depression. I mean look at me, pathetic… I can see myself from the third person view… hours in front of a damn screen.. and for what?
I seem to not be moving on at all form my past relationship. This person I loved was so perfect for me, but I wasn’t good enough for her family. We were never soul mates, but we were extraordinary life partners. We aced every college project together especially our graduation project which won an award. It seems we loved each other too much that everything hurts now we’re separated. Today I was taking my family to a restaurant, and we went past a street which almost got me crying. That was the first street I taught my Ex to park my car. She was horrible at it. My room and apartment is filled with things she got me, cards she made me, memories. My kitchen cabinet has “Mai and Ahmed were here 2012” permanently written there from the inside. My room has endless memories that belong to both of us. Even my car has memories that just hurt to remember. Yesterday I lost my nerves when I saw the first gift she gave me in 2012, a photo album of that whole year with personal notes and dates on each picture. Why am I like this? Why can’t I move on even though she clearly could. Why do I feel that guys who give 100%, end up loosing 100%. Nice guys do finish last.
Now what should I do? Every one close to me is telling me to keep myself busy, I am busy always doing something, but I always feel empty inside. I guess this is my fault because I made one person my whole world, and therefore in her absence I don’t even exist here with all you other humans in my mind. I really need to figure out what I need to do. Someone once told me that running away form your problems will make them bigger. Well what do I do in this case? where a problem is unsolvable and the only thing I can do is run away in to my life alone.
Sometimes I think “Why me?” and I start telling myself that I’ve never hurt anyone. I’ve never cost anyone anything, and I’ve never been anything more than a door mat for others. So why would such a cruel thing like this happen to me? Then in Islam you have to trust that everything is for a reason. God might be protecting you from something dogmatic in the future, or not… who knows that’s for us to find out patiently in our futures or to just accept that it happened and move on trusting God as my “shepherd”.
Why me? well because I’m a good guy, and I’m sure God is helping me in some way or another. I think it’s time for me to stop caring about what my significant other is or feels, and start making myself my significant own. Time to mend my body and grow both physically and mentally. Time to expand my empire from the hut I was segregating myself in to at first.
Wire everything down. Have a leather back small notebook and write. Writing helps so much. We all need that. We all need to put our lives on paper. Then put our papers to the test.
Do you remember yesterday? I bet you forgot how you woke up. I want you to have a physical embodiment to your day, and that is your notebook. I did the mistake of making someone my physical embodiment to my purpose, but now I understand how it’s done. In that notebook, you give value to your life…to your day. In that notebook everyday has goals written. Everyday has meaning and value. Every day is documented and remembered. Everyday is magical for you and not just getting through then forgetting.
I will not continue my life in Egypt because Egypt is the cancer to happiness. You can be rich in Egypt but you will never be happy. Egypt is the mountain you’re always trying to climb, but that mountain never ends and is always trying to kill you and your purpose. Egypt is sadly not ready to deserve good people who work hard and want to grow. Home is where the heart is… that’s correct in many cases. Not here though. I’m not hating on Egypt, I’m just being a realist of how happiness is shunned upon in Egypt. Maybe you can be happy in Egypt if you can break free from it’s mind washing habits. Habits that happen everyday to the extent that they become norm. If you have a tolerance for the actual cancer that Egypt emits, then I’m guessing you will probably be happy here.
Now what is happiness, for me that’s being able to grow, and make a change. I thought that I could do this for other people but I forgot to start with myself first. And that’s where everything started crumbling around me. I never had a good base to build myself upon. I never even had a base to begin with. I started building a skyscraper with no base to hold it up and wondered why it fell 5 years later. Build your base, create new ideas, don’t go with the norm, because you and I are NOT normal.
and by far you and I are not weak anymore.
Look in to empty space…
Leave your body’s physical form…
View yourself in the third person…
What do you see?